GIVE ME A REASON TO CARE! SING ALONG FOREVER!

So I didn’t write for about two weeks. The first week was because I was in utah and did not have access to a computer. So it is excusable. The second week I was just lazy and wanted to play video games. I need to figure out exactly what I’m planning on doing so I can focus on it. I can’t focus on anything.

But I have ran into a few problems with my work. When I started writing that one short story I got frustrated with the quality and could not force myself to write it anymore. I think my ability as improved since then so I plan to rewrite it, this time in first person. But that almost happened to me with this story I got annoyed and started thinking it was shitty. But this time I started editing it. I changed passive to active and I removed whole sections. The first flashback sequence was removed because it was unneeded after the party scene because they did the same thing.

Then I removed the second party scene because I feel that it is kind of tasteless and ditches all of the characterization I was building for Anitta. Also with the possibility of her attending school what that scene was hopefully going to achieve was redundant and the foreshadowing I have been building counteracts with it.

I don’t want to have her go to school but I think it is a necessary adjustment because I can’t think of any other plot point that would naturally lead for the first climax I have planned. The second party scene could do it, but I really don't want to write it. It is not very fun. I mean I think I can get the bulk of what I need to do with school done in only 1000 words.

I fear that this is growing far too long and will be trapped in the limbo area between short story and novella. I could go through cutting everything that is unneeded to progress the plot, but it loses part of its soul that way. God I hated saying that, made me feel like a phony. Calling anything a phony would make me a phony because the only reason I would say that is because of catcher in the rye’s protagonist Holden Caulfield. But I was just referencing him. When you reference something and nobody knows it it becomes a rip off of sorts. I need to start referencing  on some things that are more relevant.

I’m going to read an article to relax my hand before I start working on the perfect woman. I also need to update my blog. It is up to 150 views,I wonder who is viewing it.

Fucking Fuck Fuckers

Fuck Fucking Fuckers depressed pissed pissed pissed Morrissey is the only person that understands me. Ron paul 2016. I hate everybody. I deem it necessary to always capitalize the F-word.

I’m feeling rather edgy. Today I had a throbbing headache when I got home. It was weird because it didn’t necessarily hurt. But it was throbbing. So I took a long nap and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. When I woke up I was angry and went downstairs and made macaroni and cheese. Macaroni and cheese is kind of gross to think about. So much dairy. I want to go vegan. I wish I didn’t love milk so much.
And then I took a bath while listening to cape crisis. I needed an excuse to do nothing I did not feel like thinking.

So I’m on accutane now. It has alot of side effects. Dry skin, I can handle it. Headaches, HA that worries me so much I’m shaking in my shoes. But worstly, my skin will break out really bad. But it is worth it. When all is said done I’ll be completely done with acne, putting me one step closer to being comfortable in my skin. When I look in the mirror, I can’t stand it. My chest is inarguably disgusting. I will never take my shirt off around people, and lord knows the anxiety that fills me when I think about having to take my shirt off if I ever lay someone. And my face is really bad. Both my cheeks are covered. It is intolerable. It sucks because I worry that if my parents think it is making me depressed that they will take me off it. It is only for six months. I can take six months of it.

Call me morbid, call me pale

I've spent six years on your trail

Six full years of my life on your trail

And if you have five seconds to spare

Then I'll tell you the story of my life

Sixteen, clumsy and shy

So last night I was writing my story when I felt it. I saw the line “all the other kids” and I knew it was time to write a poem. And I wrote that bitch. It needs some heavy editing. But I still think it is good. I don’t know what I’m going to try and do tonight with my writing.Maybe work on the story more. I have lab tomorrow to deal with it.

Pandora is being a dick.

So there is this girl Taylor in my forensics class. And I want to have sex with her. I’m trying to set up, because I don’t think I’m far off. I don’t want to go out with her. Normally I would. But I have two good reasons why I should not. First, she is a dirty cheater. She was totally going out with my friend layne and cheated on him. The problem there is not that I don’t want to hurt laynes feelings or I hold a grudge on her for it.
My head is throbbing to Joy division.
It really is not that.
I can’t go out with her because she would cheat. Yes, I understand people can change. But knowing that she would cheat would fill me so full of anxiety that she was cheating on me I would not be able to stand it. There is no way that relationship could last long.
ALSO SHE DOES NOT LIKE THE MUPPETS! YOU DO NOT HAVE A SOUL IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE MUPPETS.
And Brad would give me so much crap for dating her. He has some massive grudge against her. He has a grudge against most woman. He also has really high standards for someone who has never been kissed.
I’m lowering my standards.
A little bit.
I still have respect though.
But there is something about this girl that turns me on! It is in the most primal sense of the word. She seems kind of easy, and she is fond of me. But I’m thinking of straight up just telling her “Hey I think it would be mutually beneficial if we had sex.”
I think she might like that.
I know I would.
Today when me and my sister were driving home from school the song king of the carrot by neutral milk hotel came on. I told my sister that this song reminds of Perks of being a wallflower. She agreed immediately. I thought that was cool. I’m going to watch an episode of clannad and then start writing my story again.

A relaxing non-linear adventure

As I’m sitting in the doctor's office getting the side effects of the medication(Accutane) I’m about to start taking, I couldn’t help but laugh. For I feel most of them each day.
The first thing she warned me about was headaches. I might start getting really bad headaches, if only she knew. Now yes, I should've told her about the daily headaches that affect me. But I wouldn't want her to decide I shouldn't be taking it. She then explained the depression I may feel. Baby I’m depressed right now. When I’m sad I don’t tell people. I just don’t like to. All the girls on facebook talking about how depressed they are and how no one understands them, I see right through them. But I don’t need to tell people. Everyone who cares can see right through me. Well it is usually just Secret and my parents. But still. I can usually work through what is bothering by myself. But that can’t be healthy, I mean am I really getting over it? Or do I just get better at ignoring it? I don’t have a particular reason to be depressed right now, But I am. Maybe the problem is I have not overcome anything yet. They are just chewing away at me. I got back into jrpgs. I’m playing through steambot chronicles again. Since it has two different paths you can go through I’m playing good this time. I felt bad after beating the game last time around. I killed everyone in happy garland. And I completely betrayed the Garland Globetrotters. And the girl I kept on going on dates with Savory, turned out to be a bad guy. But I’m excited to play through it. Because “STEAMBOT CHRONICLES! A relaxing non-linear adventure!” I finally want to beat final fantasy 13. When I had it for the xbox 360 I could never get into it. Apparently it just sucks for the first twenty hours. Once you get past that it opens up and it is great. I’m also going to get Tales of Grace F. It should be fun

Talking about reading and stuff

have alot of stuff to write about and alot of time to do it. But I have alot I want to get done so I’m not going to waste time with a long introduction.

I finished reading catcher in the rye. I liked it. I don’t understand what the ending means
“Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you will start missing everybody”
Everyone I have talked to about it hasn’t put much thought in it sadly. Could it mean that by confiding in people you will just get an emotional attachment. And when they are not around anymore you will miss them. This thought would fit into the natural cynical nature of Holden. But I still just don’t know, it feels too obvious.
Or could it mean that if you spend too much time telling people things confiding in them and what not then you will miss them. You will never be able to get to know them because you are too involved with yourself? That sounds accurate. But I can’t think of how that fits into the entire theme of the book when the first one does? I don’t know. I could look it up, but then it would never mean anything to me.
Once I finished “Catcher in the rye” I immediately went into Hear my tears the policeman said by Philip K Dick. And I’m really liking it. He also wrote “A scanner darkly” And “Do androids dream of electric sheep?”. I’d consider him one of my biggest influences for writing. I love his really surreal and dark look on science fiction. Who knows if I would've been able to come with the concept of “The perfect woman” if it wasn’t for “Do androids dream of electric sheep?”. But regardless I’m studying his style of writing. He has a fluidity to his third person that I have not been able to achieve, so I’ll keep studying his work. I do like though  how much I’ve been able to add my voice, but it still feels like something is missing. But I can’t put my finger on it. It could have something to do with the fact I can never be satisfied with my writing.
I had something else I knew I was going to talk about but I got too distracted thinking of “Catcher in the rye” I hope I didn’t miss the point of the book.
Today when I was pulling out of the school parking lot sara was right across from me waiting to turn the other way. When we saw each other we both did a goofy thing with our hands. It was weird how naturally it happened. And we were both smiling.
Now the last time I wrote about her it appeared that I made some progress with how I felt and thought of her, at least I thought I did. But I did not. Even now I have an evil plan to get her. Well it is not evil and not a plan, but I’m fucking trying. I’m trying to think of a subtle way to get her thinking about me in a serious way. It can’t be in a way that she can easily blow off, something she is a master of. The sadie hawkins dance is coming up. I don’t have any delusions of her asking me. It would be completely irrational to think she would. I mean sure we have had a sudden increase in contact between the two of us. But if she wanted to asked me she would be talking to me alot more now that it is coming up. Its not that I want to go, I don’t want to go at all. I’d just hate for her to go with someone else. I don’t know who she would though? Maybe her homecoming date? Critical(and a little bit of wishful) thinking tells me that they would be done with each other. I mean they never went out. So that would tell me that they don't have anything for each other. That guy is a stupid looking tool. Shit bothers me.
For what I know she has had three guys in her life to some extent(unless you are counting random encounters. I would not know of any. But it is fair to assume it has happened). Me, Michael Newberry and her last homecoming date. None of which she has been in a relationship with. What does that tell me? She has commitment problems? I dunno.
I would love to keep writing but I need to start working on the perfect woman some. Also my hands are starting to hurt, I hope there is a way to fix this.

After adderal

I’m at Brad's house right now, he is passed out behind me. I woke up at 10 and couldn’t go back to sleep,that could be because I was sleeping on the ground.
Last night Brad and I took adderal and played borderlands for 10 hours. It was crazy,but alot of fun. Theres not alot to say about it. We made alot of distance in it and I found that it is alot funner with two people. Also if you don’t remember what adderall is like I’ll sum it up. You are very happy and focused. You can almost feel endorphins throughout your entire body. And your dick doesn’t work,which suited me just fine. And when I was smoking E-cig my headache went away, well crap. I still don’t really feel they have any correlation.
So last night while hopped up on adderall I got a text from Sara. She was just telling me that scott pilgrim was on MTV. The conversation itself wasn't very important. I’d think that it would be just to talk to me if I was being optimistic. But in the typical Sara fashion she only sent me like five texts. It’s not that I’m some lifeless loser who has nothing better to do then think about her(which may actually be the case) But this morning when I woke up I got to thinking about our entire relationship.
I don’t know why I bother with her. She is just straight up shitty to me, and I let her be. I’ve explained it before(she is the person I just can’t get over blah blah blah). My main problem with it is I may never receive any closure. In movies and TV everything(unless the series gets cancelled or the writers are an ass hole.Fucking freaks and geeks.). But I finally realized that entire sad chapter in my love life is going to end open. I lose all hope in her and I ever becoming a we. But then she starts talking to me, just a little bit. And that gives me just enough to hope that something may ever happen. But I guess she has gotten better about it, it’s not like how it use to be where she actually talked about liking me. Maybe the problem is with me? Maybe I’m preventing us from ever becoming friends. But I don’t think I even want to become friends though?
I’ll finish this when I get home.
I’m exhausted right now. I’d go to sleep this instant if I didn’t need to go pick my mom up soon. So in the meantime I’ll try to not waste my entire day and write some. I’m going to attempt to go back to the previous topic of Sara. But I don’t think it will be worth while. My brain is basically useless, I really shouldn’t be driving.
Ok II can’t write about her.My brain isn’t think that way.I’m going to try and close my eyes and listen to six-seven times by flunk and see if I get any inspiration.

Catcher and the wallflower

Locaton: Mr. rhodes study lab. Song: The smiths- William, it was really nothing
I know I should be working on the perfect woman. But I’m stuck. The next scene Is where he starts building an android. How am I suppose to go about writing that. I didn’t think everything through when I started. How does a sixteen year old build an highly realistic android? I don’t know the setting well enough either. How futuristic is it? I’m hoping this journal entry will get my brain going enough that I can finish that part.
Though I have really done nothing of note since I went to that part, I have a good amount to talk about.
I’ve had a really bad headache for the last three days. In this period I’ve taken at least ten aspirin. Maybe my body is going through a slight nicotine addiction? I don’t smoke alot. I haven’t had a cigarette since last friday. But it could be the E-cig? I just do it with brad at lunch, so I don’t know. I’ll think about it today at lunch. If my headache goes away when I do E-cig I’ll know. But I love that E-cig, it’s so choice(Read that in a ferris Bueller voice).
The headaches interfere with my writing. It kind of takes me out of it. I mean even now, I’m still writing manually. I’m no stranger to headaches, but it usually isn’t this bad for so long, aspirin usually does the trick. I wish it would help now. Maybe I need to find a different thing to rely on to get rid of them?
I finished “Perks of being a wallflower” yesterday, I adored it. I loved the main character, he was so relatable. The part when he was at the party and accidently had a brownie was really beautiful. I really like the way that book handles drug use. It nether demonizes nor glorifies it. An educated neutral stance. We are infinite.
Once I finished that I picked up “Catcher in the rye”. I’m also really liking it. Matt and zach didn’t really care for it, I think it bored them. But I don’t think they understood what the author was trying to do. I feel like the author put alot of care into making sure the main character is believable, but it is lost on me for the most part. Though I do find the character believable and likeable, the book was written in the 1940s. It’s not that I have a problem with old things, I really don’t. But he uses slang and terms that I do not know.
I also really like how the author makes it so the main character is always lying to you. At the beginning he is talking about how he is a fantastic liar. And for the rest of the book the main character is saying things of questionable truth. Like when he was talking about how he was almost featured in a “short” but decided at the last moment against. I wonder how many readers was able to pick up on that?
I love older books like this because it gives you a glimpse into the average life of the people of that time period. It works in a better and more natural way than any period piece can. Everyone smokes, even the sixteen year old main character. Where cigarettes not regulated then like they’re now.
My wrist is cramping up so I’m taking a short break. I went to the bathroom but I don’t know how much good it ultimately did.

Back to the book. I also like how the main character at first comes off as very unlikable and unrelatable. I felt it kind of made him out to be a bad ass. At first they make it sound like he is some hot shot with the ladies. When offered a prostitute he bought her without a second thought. Up until the moment she arrives you don’t know he is a virgin. I thought that was nicely done. Even the way he handles not having sex with her shows alot of indirect characterization. I’m only halfway through, so I’ll come back with my final thoughts once I finish. I figure if I analize books more it will make be a better writer, I really want to be a better writer.

I’m going to try to troop my way through the trouble area of “the perfect woman”. Wish me luck.

Love always,

charlie

beer and getting cock blocked by a black drunk guy

Welp I have alot to talk about but I don’t even know where to begin. So I’m just going to rant aimlessly until my hands hurt and I go listen to laser time and play borderlands 2.
Song- 23 by blonde Redhead
So I have been searching for a job lately. I applied at multiple places and nothing has happened. But then  I applied at some gimmicky restaurant that is opening called mungo grill. I got interviewed and it went really well. So I told brad to go apply, he did and got hired. I did not so. I’ve been beating myself up in frustration over this. Everytime I try to do something nice it backfires and shit sucks. And well shit sucks. And I hate it. Nothing goes my way, which I’ll confirm in another story.
now playing: The XX-infinity
It was friday night. I had nothing to do. So I was watching some anime(sands of destruction to be exact) and playing lollipop chainsaw. When matt texted me seeing if I wanted to hangout. I said sure and he came over. When he got over we talked for a little when he asked what should we do. Joking around I said
“hey! We could go to cole mellons party!”
“Yeah we should go to that!”
“Okay, let me find out where it is.”
We went on facebook found out and headed out.
Now I don’t usually go to parties. It makes me feel uncomfortable. My idea of a good time is smoking bowls and playing mario party 3. But I just had to do something. I’m sick of being myself. My boring young self.
The party was out in the foothills in star. It’s about mid-october so it is freezing out. I made sure to put on 3 jackets so I’d keep warm.
On the drive there I felt my normal anxiety. I don’t normally associate with the kids I assumed would be attending. The dumb ass stoners. Something I have unsuccessfully strived to not look like. But that is not my problem, and I’m not letting this turn into an angry rant about that.
Anyways we arrive and I’m happy with the people I see there. Promise and all them and a bunch of other people I know. Layne minor, olivia haun roxy banner(I still think her name sounds like a pornstar name. and danielles twin cousins. I wonder if you will remember these peoples when reading this?
Regardless it sucks at first. Just a bunch of people standing around a dying fire. I say something about when is the party suppose to start.
“Cole is still coming with the beer, don’t worry.”
I am worried. Since I’m driving home I can’t drink. I don’t even like drinking. Really the only reason I came was for woman which at this point there was only five and none of them fuckable sober. I smoke some cigarettes at this point people are leaving. If this party ends I’ll be pissed for wasting gas.
When all of a sudden the booze arrives! At this point the amount of people there seems to triple and some much needed energy comes to the party. Within the first five minutes everyone is falling on there ass drunk. 60+ beers are drunken in this time. Roxy comes up and hugs me, almost tripping in the process. A prime target to be taken advantage of, not that I would. I make a few jokes about boobs when black guy chris comes running up to me.
“duudee!11! You just missed some titties.”
I’m heartbroken.
“damn dude who? I need to see some tits!”
“I’ll help you dude!”
We walk up to some obviously drunk woman.
“Hey! show him your tits!”
I approach in a ration matter, explaining me and my cause. I explain that I can’t drink tonight for I am driving and if I don't get any titties I’ll go home depressed and defeated. She finds this hilarious.
At first she refuses. But then she told me I could put my hand down her shirt. I put in slowly, expecting her not to allow me in the bra. But I was wrong. I feel those tits for all they’re worth. I still don’t know her name.
Meghan oberry comes stumbing up to me,obviously plastered.
“CAYDUNN, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! THIS FUCKING KIID RIGHHTT HER EVERYONE IS AWESOME!”
I thought I had already talked to her that night but it turns out it was just her sister who is equally as drunk. I talk to her for a while when I decide to go talk to the boobs from earlier.
I find her and say
“so about you flashing me.”
She gives me a confused look and asks what. I explain I’m the guy from earlier who put his hands down her shirt. She didn’t remember. The stupid woman had already forgot. she wasen’t very hot but she was easy and stupid. I figure if I got desperate enough I’d go back to her later.
Through talking to mehgen I find out there is an attractive norwegian foreign exchange girl at this here party.
“introduce me!” I cry out.
We go talk to her for a while and we really hit it off. We sit close and talk about different stuff for a while. A few times I resist the urge to kiss her. I eventually get her number for a date. While talking to her the other drunk girl from earlier comes up and is fondling all over me. I push her off out of fear she’d scare off peea. That was my first mistake.
So I quit talking to foreign girl when all of sudden this annoying black guys walks up to her and starts making out with her. At first she tries to push him away, but then gives in. At this point I was ready to leave the party, I was so pissed. Roxy told me they fucked later in the night.
So I’ve been pretty depressed over that. I mean that sums up how my life has been lately. But you gotta roll with the punches even though I haven’t been able to get back up. Today I have been trying to cheer up. I watched a few episodes of seinfeld which which gave me some much needed laughs. I played alot of borderlands 2 today while listening to talkradar and laser time. Which helped. Right now my main goal in life is finding a girlfriend. Something that has never come easy for me. I think I just need to start actually playing the field. Not just hoping to be thrown on it.
I’m writing my short story, it’s going on fine. I’m not doing any of it today. I’ve had enough writing.  

useless

I got a job interview at a restaurant called mungo grill. I feel as if it went very well. But I don’t think I  got the job. Glass half full blah blah blah. I’m suppose to get a call tomorrow with a yes or no.
My brain has not been flowing well with writing lately. I’ve been wanting to write some fiction but it hasn’t been coming out. It’s a damn shame too because creativity I’m going on all cylinders. I’m hoping this will get me back on track. I have a science fiction short story that is ready to come out. In short it is about a nerd who creates an android girlfriend. A perfect girlfriend. Only for her to kill him because he isn’t perfect. That is just the short version. But my hands have been feeling lazy lately. Just earlier I was playing some blazblue calamity trigger and my hand started to hurt. It is hurting right now.But I’m enjoying writing so I shall continue. After I eat.
I’ve been enjoying the stuffing out of anime and manga. I watched BAKA AND TEST and really enjoyed it. I’ve been reading bakuman and enigma. I really like well drawn anime. It is beautiful and it turns me on. Just kidding...Kinda. I don’t really get off on hentai. I’m currently torrenting “the girl who lept through time” and next it will be “the place promised to us in our early days” and “5 centimeters Per Second”.
Today joey kept on making homophobic remarks. Naturally I was pissed. So I turned around and said “If you keep on saying bad stuff about gay people, you will never get a girlfriend.”. This made the girls laugh. I e


I stopped to start writing the short story

gabbey

I’m going to talk about the girl I wrote about last time. I’m in mr.Rhode's class avoiding doing the math homework that I don’t understand. And by writing this he will think I’m actually doing homework. I’m drinking black tea and listening to comfortably numb by pink floyd.
So where do I start. The relationship is confusing. I don’t know where it is. Well I do know, nowhere. It is like the number 0, empty but full of potential(I hope you remember what that is a reference to).
She broke up with her boyfriend about a week ago. I was in jubilation when I read it on facebook. I liked it hoping it would kinda send a message to her. but I don’t think she picked up on it. Also when I told her I liked her on facebook she didn’t pick up on that either. This made me beat my head against the desk.
But the next day I was walking in the hall with her after math and the conversation was really warm. So I brought it up. She told me that there was someone at this school that she liked. At first I felt defeated. I mean it’s possible that she was talking about me and she just isn’t direct. But then again, it’s never me. I do think she might kinda like me, or at least consider me. This all happened about a week ago. And there have been no sign that she is in a relationship yet. Nothing on facebook and I don’t ever see her talking to any other guys. And I feel like that is a sign in my favor.

It’s odd because if she broke up with her boyfriend for someone else than I’d expect them to be going out at this point. So it could be me. usually if I have a feeling a girl likes me its true. This is backed up by sara and britta. I don’t get the feeling very much... So today in math I’m planning on doing what I do best eavesdropping. I’ll put my headphones on and listen to what her and danielle say. If gabby likes me she would tell danielle. So I’d assume they would talk about it. Even if its not about me they will talk about. I’m thinking about telling danielle that I like gabby. Telling another woman seems to help get the ball rolling. If it doesn’t I’m just going to have to take matters into my own hands and be a alpha and tell her. It’s better than sitting around wondering if she thinks of me.

pink floyd the great gig in the sky

I mean goddamn she is cute. I ordered ultimate marvel vs. capcom 3. Me and brads past time is getting stoned and playing video games. Games that included in this is black ops zombies, super smash bros, new super mario bros, halo 3, doritos crash course challenge. But the game we play more than any is mario party 3. I could not even begin to count the games of that we have played, It’s a damn fine game. But lately we have been playing alot fighting games. Mortal Kombat, persona 4 arena and most recently the original marvel vs capcom. So I’m rather excited for it to arrive.

I’ve been watching alot of great movies lately. So I’m listing these movies for you to rewatch.

Drive

Trainspotting

Scott pilgrim vs the world

The evil dead trilogy

Kill Bill volumes 1 and 2(3 will be out eventually, just not yet)

Kikis delivery service( rewatch all the studio ghibli films.)

Blue velvet

gattaca

And remember to replay catherine. I don’t own it so I’m reminding you specially.

Also persona 3 and 4. I love those games so much.

homecoming the return of the sadness

I have one thing on my mind, but nothing in my heart. That would be a great beggining to a poem.But I don’t think I have one in me. But I did right one that was passable in english the other day. But I came to talk about love and relationships
It is homecoming week. Naturally I’m dateless and depressed. I tried to ignore it, but my mom kept reminding me. Trying to get me to ask someone, anyone. But my shell is too comfortable to leave for just anyone. After the scarring events of the last time I asked someone to homecoming. Fucking sara with some buff guy. To hell with her. But I’m not letting her turn this into a rant about what a beautiful bitch she is.
So there was this one girl in my math class that I was thinking I could ask. But then I found out she has a boyfriend in utah. That was when I realized that she is fucking retarded. But she is very cute and she likes anime. Did I have any other choice than be a dick about it? I’ll explain it after I go make some chamomile tea. I can’t write without tea.
I waited until the moment was right. I knew I would only be able to get away with it once. So I knew that I needed to be swift but fair. I needed her to actually contemplate what I was saying instead of just being mad at me. So in a friendly manner I said “So where do you realistically see the relationship going?”. It appeared friendly enough so she did not get defensive yet. She said she wants to go to college where he lives. Keep in mind that she is only a sophomore. So then I went straight for the throat, which I should've saved for the grand finale.  “So you don’t think he won’t meet anyone in the meantime?”. She had no proper rebuttal, how could she? I then went at her again “Do you want to spend your entire teenage life in a strictly platonic relationship?”. At this point she is stupefied. She knows I’m raising valid point. She manages to mumble out “not exactly.”. I go for the coup de grace and ask “Is it a fulfilling relationship?”. She gives no exact answer nor did I expect her to. It is quite for a moment before danielle can’t handle it and says “wow cayden, you got serious!”. Then gabby laughed and said “it all seemed so bad!”. I didn’t say anything. I knew all I would do was just step on my own feet. I did not intend to be malicious. I just knew if I could get her to seriously think about these questions I’d have my way. But I think she ignored them, because she knows I’m right.
About ten minutes ago I posted on her wall “I like you.” vague but revealing. I do not know what I expect to get out of this, but it should be interesting. I’m going to stick to my guns. If she asks me what I meant I’m going to spell it out loud. She is an attractive girl who likes anime.

Love and anime

I’m feeling for emotional tonight.And also I need a haircut before my hair starts giving me head aches. I have multiple things I want to talk about tonight. But I’m most likely going to get carried away and only talk about one.

started replaying through persona 4 again. I love those games to no end. The persona series has quickly became one of my favorite things in the universe. If I’m ever depressed, all I need is persona 4’s title song to pick me up. It is not the gameplay that makes me love them. Or even the story for that matter(Though those games do showcase fantastic story telling). It is the charecters. I can honestly say I consider the cast from those games my friends. I hold no delusions of them being real. It is more like a love that you know will never happen. The story of my life. But I wish for nothing more to talk, to hug aigis and tell her that she is human. Her beautiful blonde hair. She understands humanity better than I do. Yukiko is my love. I prefer aigis to her, but aigis is an android. Yukiko has such refined features, and a gentle voice. No one understand her better than chie and the protagonist. I wish to spend my days shopping with Ai and the nights watching kung-fu movies with chie. Yosuke would be my best friend. I love the cast in all of those games. And I’ll always think of them as close friends. And until Persona 5 comes out I’ll just keep thinking of persona 3 and four.

                           When you fall, get right back up!

That whole rant makes me sound like a really big nerd. But I’m not a nerd. I need something to hold on to.

Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with my darling Edith. She seemed depressed. It appears she was recently dumped. Who ever even had the option to dump her is a lucky and stupid bastard. She is all around a fantastic person, Not to mention beautiful. But I feel like the relationship I have with her will ultimately make me depressed. She always tells me how much she loves me, even going as far as to calling me her soul mate. Now I would like nothing more to be in a commited relationship with her. But I feel as if she does not take me seriously in that way. And most of my other relationships with girls have been that way. I can't tell if she is flirting or just being friendly. So I’m trying to find a perfect medium for responding. One where I can make it serious if it goes that way. But if it goes the other way being able to play it off. I don't do a very good job handling that pressure. In person I can do a better job, because I don't have time to think. But when I’m texting I have all the time in the world. so I find a way to screw it up.

For example, When she told me she thinks I’m her soul mate I did a poor job.Just like I did a poor job with that sentence. But I responded with a joke about how when I first met her I thought “either she was going to end up with me, or getting a restraining order on me.” Now this was in the level where I can play it off while still being flirty to some degree. But it just wasn't serious enough. I need to be more serious if I want to be taken seriously. I don’t know how she took it, for I don’t understand women. I think this relationship will be cancerous towards my mental health ultimately. I do not think she thinks of me as a serious suitor. But the way we always refer to each other as love, darling and other affectionate names will keep my hopes up. For a lack of a better term, I think I might be in the friend zone. I’m planning on texting her tomorrow. Being a little bit more flirty, and dare I say confident. But if she is in a bad move I will probably spend the day trying to make her feel better. Which will stick me deeper in the ‘friend zone’. Fuck I hate my life. This got me thinking. About my damaged love life. I think the most fulfilling relationship I had was with sara. Though she broke my heart and stuck my ego at nonexistent levels, She took me seriously. We flirted, talked about liking each other and she even came and watched horror movies in my bed with me. Multiple times she got my hopes up just to destroy them shortly after. But I somehow feel she has minor lingering feelings for me. Not as much as I, but she never liked me as much as I liked her. I remember one time freshmen year she texted me and said even though we quit talking she still liked me more than everyone else. Whenever we are around each other there is just a strange air. Like she knows I loathe/love her. I said it once and I’ll say it again, I doubt I’ll ever get completely over her. I mean once I found out she was moving it got easier to push her out of my mind. But now it appears that she isnt? It is kind of a mystery. I also heard she might go to asia for a few months for modeling. Shit is fucking weird. How the hell did I get involved with a model. But it doesn't surprise me. I think me and sara will have another fling at some point again. Even though there has been nothing between us since the whole homecoming incident. I just need someone, someone a person to talk to.

There was a third thing that i was planning on talking about. But I cant recall what. This was an enjoyable writing session. Very helpful. I think you expect another update tomorrow. I might text sara to see what the deal is with her moving. It is more to start conversation than anything. So unless she doesn't respond or only does a few texts(she is known to do that, well at least with me) this conversation has the possibility of being fruitful.

Disneyland journal

Once again I’m feeling lazy and tired therefore I will procrastinate on writing anything of note. I do have what could potentially be a good idea for a book, But it could use some fine tuning. I might need to change the main idea, but the ideas that feed into It are what could make it truly great.  I think I’m going to start making these things more journalish opposed to just a soap box with little to no direction. But I’m prone to going on rants.
So last week my family and I went on a trip to disneyland.

It's hard to capture the magic of disneyland in words.
It’s the sight of excited kids
The feel of sore feet that can't yet find rest.
It’s The taste of overpriced food.
The sound of people screaming and crying children.
The smell of the overpriced food!

    Happiest place on earth at night.         
We saw the sights and rode rides.
With tommorow so far out of sight.
We watched the fireworks
Ignoring tomorrow's flight.
My childhood ended with that night.
It’s not somewhere you just visit.
Not the thrill rides you look forward to.
Nor the fireworks, the men in costumes.
But just to be a child again for one night.
My childhood ended with that night.

I am very pleased with that. I dont consider myself a poet(Though would I love to.)
So anything that I write that has any poetic value makes me rest easy at night. I suppose practicing poetry just like writing makes one better, I just can't force it. Everyone once In awhile I just feel as if one is suppose to come out of me. And that is what happened up there. But I do think that one needs to be heavily edited. I really like the one I wrote about Sara but There is the one line I just can't get. And don't get me started on that fucking nature haiku. That thing will be the end of me. I just edited the shit out of all that. I peaked for the night god damnit. But I’ll keep writing anyways. Maybe lightning will strike twice...God I can't believe I just said that.

I have come to realize that I very often offended people(mainly women) without realizing. I think that it's because I worry that I’m boring people.

I'm going to quit writing early tonight because I plan to spend my night organizing my blog and playing final fantasy x(I plan to take notes while doing this so I can review it better.)

Stoned writing

God I have been lazy with writing. I have been feeling very chill, just passing the days. So I have been smoking quit a bit more than I usually do. I don't mind writing while high, heck I kinda enjoy it. But when im faded all I want to do is watch tv and smoke more. Such is life. It probably has something to do with the type of bud, gives a very stoney feeling.
Sara is moving soon. I honestly don't feel anything about this. Maybe a little sad that I completely lost her. I mean I spent the last three months trying to forget about her. But I doubt I’ll ever forget her.
So let me think, My life has been kinda boring lately. Very un-noteworthy. I'm going to lagoon in two weeks. Its kinda weird,but hey I'm excited...kinda, It's just hard to get excited about lagoon after going to disneyland. And I miss disneyland daily. Lately I have been enjoying some fine old nostalgia(while under the influence). Watching rugrats and hey arnold. Playing all my favorite nintendo 64 games. Something about It just makes me happy and relaxed.
So last week I decided to buy a can of chew. I enjoy a good nicotine buzz.And getting a good buzz while watching twin peaks is the bees knees. So I finished the can about a week after I bought it. I thought I was going to get really bad cravings But I ended up not. So that is a victory for me. If I decide to buy any tobacco products again I'm planning on waiting at least a week. I don't want to get addicted like andy is. But he just has a really addictive personality. I mean fuck I’m pretty sure the kid is addicted weed for christ’s sake.
In a way I kinda am ready for school to start. More out of curiosity than anything else. I honestly think im going to have a good year. I just need to work hard and not get lazy. And that will be difficult in itself.

Random journal writing. 2/26/12

Though I was planning on focusing on writing fiction instead of the usual journal writing, I cant stay away from it. There is something therapeutic about it. A journal is someone to talk to. Doesn't judge, doesn't talk about their life, And there will never be any sexual tension between the journal and I. Its no secret that I don't like talking about my feelings. Its not that I'm trying to come off as manly or i bury all my emotions. Opening up to people is just uncomfortable for me.
Also i like journal writing because there is no pressure. You are free to write garbage and not care about grammar or spelling. You can write what ever you want and not have to stick to one constant theme. I don't treat my blog like a blog. I have no intention of becoming a blogger or of people reading this. I just need someplace to organize all my writing by date. I hope that one day ill be able to see improvement. Journal writing is a good way to hone in your writing skills and figure out your style. I am still yet to find mine. But this doesn't worry me because i am fifteen with plenty of time left to write.
Lately I have been enjoying poetry. Reading it, trying to understand it and above all attempting it. I don't consider myself talented at writing poetry. But i have improved and that is really all i can hope for. I fancy the idea of being a poet. I like writing poetry because i have to actively think it. opposed to writing fiction or a journal where I just go into auto pilot.
I don't have much on my mind today. But I'm going to try to start writing daily in one form or another. This girl i was rather smitten over is in a relationship with a boy that i hate. Even though i have really never talked to her, I am aggravated to no end by this. She is damn sexy but has a thing for tools and pieces of shit.

I'm hoping to do more writing today. Hopefully a short story or a poem. Once I'm done writing this I’m going to take a shower where i come up with all my ideas. If i cant think of anything i will be forced to do a randomly generated writing prompt. And i despise those.
I had a good idea for a poem the other night while laying in bed. It had a theme of suicide. But like a fool I just planed on writing it in the morning. I now have zero memory of it.

Ramble on 2/20/12

I consider writing a slippery slope. Often times egos and persona’s get in the way of actual good writing. Some people write merely to sound deep. And that's why some writing comes off as cliche. It also seems like some people write out of hopes to some day see someone quote them. Now I'm not going to lie, It feels fantastic to see this happen. But this shouldn't be ones aim when writing. One time on facebook i saw a girl quote herself on her own status. I laughed my ass off. Come to think of it, I'm worse than they are. At least there doing something.  All I do is judge other people and then judge myself. It entertains me. So i don't have a problem with it.

I don't know why i write. I never like anything I write. People tell me my writing is good. But i just assume that they are trying to be nice. And that just pisses me off. The main reason I write is because i enjoy it. When I get really into writing it’s pretty similar to sleeping. I have little to no control over my body. I don't have to think anymore. It just comes out, I cant control it. I lose all sense of my environment. If I'm listening to music, it just melts Into the background. I don't have to actively think of typing even a little bit. My fingers fly. I often find when i get interrupted from this nirvana like state I don't know where to begin again.

I also write because I'm a very untalented person. I'm not the type of person who is good at everything they try. I'm under the impression that I'm not a horrible writer. I think I can be an average journalist when I'm older. I've been flirting with the idea of writing a novel. I don't think i can be the next Phillip k dick by all means. But I think I have some pretty good ideas.
And by journalist i really mean critic.

There is a negative enigma around judging people that i don't understand. Everyone tells themselves/others that they don't judge anyone. And in my opinion They are lying. It is human nature to judge. Its a defense mechanism. I mean I try to talk to people before I decide I don't like them. But often times I don't have a choice. If your annoying me when I'm not talking to you I don't expect things to change during conversation.

I was planning on talking about something else. But it is slipping my mind. So it cant be that important.

Never mind i think i remember it. But I'm not sure if i remembered the right thing.

Any who( I hate myself for saying that), I decided I need to work on my grammar and spelling. I read an old thing i posted on the blog and i was constantly cringing. But ill probably just skim through it missing most things. When i read through this again it hit me how much I is used. and to make matters worse its usually used after and.
How do blogs get big? Or noticed. I have twenty nine page views. So far I have only told one person about this blog. If your reading this Danielle, hello. But that means that 28 other people have viewed my page. Or she has viewed it 29 times? It says blogobo is my highest source of traffic. What the hell is blogobo? I guess Now I'm going to investigate all the traffic here. The fact that people is coming to this blog is scaring the shit out of me. I didn't expect anyone to read any of this. I had thirteen page views yesterday. That accounts for one. It could have something to do with the fact that something was posted yesterday. I really need to figure out how blogobo.com works? I have four views from Germany and three from Russia, That's pretty cool!  I can see all my traffic sources through an option. Blogobo is the bread winner but there is also a site called bllog.tk. But when I try to go to it, It has been suspended for copy write violations. Hopefully he Stole my content. That would be an ego boost! But only four of my views have been from both of these sites combined, Weird. My most viewed post is Bad poem. Of course its my bad poem. I think the fact that poem is in the title is what brought people to it.

Well that is all I have to say for now. Remember to have your pets sprayed and neutered.

Danielle b-party 2/19/12

So yesterday I went to a party. Not a big drinking party or anything. Just a small group of friends celebrating a birthday. There was about ten people total. I Had an okay relationship with one of the guys there. We would talk occasionally and shared mutual interests. But that's about it.  The one girl promise I'm pretty good friends with. I can hold conversations with her but they never have any depth. I think that's more of her intellect than anything. It was the birthday girl Danielle that I'm good friends with. I adore Danielle. I mean i don't like her or anything but i find her interesting and enjoy talking to her. Then there was one other guy and all the rest where girls i didn't know.

Going to the party I knew that there was going to be a lot girls there so naturally i did some mental prep. Now I'm going to be honest. I have been getting a tad desperate lately for a girlfriend. And i don't mean for sex but an relationship. So i was telling myself. Just act normal. Don't be afraid to crack some jokes(just think them through first). Just act normal.
So I arrive at the party right on time. When i enter I'm slightly nervous so i start acting goofy as a defense. But only for a moment. I manage to gain composure surprisingly well. We all hangout for a little. I eat my salad in silence kinda away from the group. When i notice that I'm being anti-social I attempt to join conversation. I move closer to the group and try to make and attempt at paying attention to their conversation. But before long I'm lost in thought. One of my main problems is my thoughts entertain myself allot more than most conversations around me.

So once more people start to come we migrate to the living room. Good i thought this is a much more open place giving me the chance to be more social. As i sit on the couch i make small talk with promise and then talk about some foreign candy with Doug and his friend. But i have hardly made an attempt  To talk to any of the girls I didn't already know. A girl sits next to me and this excites me. Not the fact that she is sitting next to me, Just the fact i ether have to introduce myself or look awkward. And i refuse to take the latter. I look at her and smile. I introduce myself and we go in to an awkward hand shake. But instead of it being awkward we laugh at how retarded it is. Her friend comes and joins the conversation and we talk for about fifteen minutes. The conversation goes dry and ends. I'm okay with this, Nether of them made for interesting conversation. At this point I'm at speaking terms with everyone there for the most part.

Then i notice a girl. And i was over took with her beauty. I hate to sound cheesy but she really was attractive. When ever a girl has this affect on me i have trouble making conversation. And allot of the times i end up sounding like an idiot and even stuttering a little, sometimes i offend them. She comes and sits next to me( I picked a great seat). And before i know It we are in conversation. I find out her name is Taylor(I have heard people say pleasant things about her) But then it abruptly ends and she leaves. I sit there enjoying my salad Intel she comes back. She instantly greats me as best friend. This concerns me. In my brief time spent pursuing the opposite sex  I have learned that this is NEVER a good thing. This is like being sentenced to the friend zone. And their is little to no ways to combat the friend zone. You can ether try hard to turn it into something more, you have to act swiftly though. And pray your looks and social skills keeps up with this. Or you have to take the ass hole approach. And that's risky business.

I don't have time to form a plan to stop this so I just go with it. I might be able to form a plan later. But i spent most of the night talking to her. At one point it was obvious she was annoyed at me and quit listening to me. So i talked to someone else for a while.

After a while she starts conversation with me again. This time she is slightly more hostile but i find this better than what was previously going on. For some reason i put my arm around her. It must of had something to do with the conversation and i did this for no more of a reason then just to see how she would react. She seems surprised at first by this and shoots me a look it was angry or happy about this. But then she sits there with a pouting look after this. I am still not sure what to think of this. For the rest of the night she was a tad touchy with me. But not sexual touching. She would ether tickle me(not full blown rape tickle though) or put her feet on me stuff along those sorta lines. I don't know what my plans are for closure. Its going to be a pain to find time to talk to her again because i never see her. But I'm going to do something.

Later we started playing rock band. I don't play  the game allot but the fact of matter is I love music. Mainly the emotion of it. I love listening to a song and being able to her the emotion of the singer. The pain in there voice. That's why bands such as the smiths, la dispute and bayside speak to me so much. They are pain. I also love a good front man. You cant watch a doors live performance and say that Jim Morrison isn't an incredible front man. And when i saw love me two times on there i just had to do my Jim Morrison impersonation. And i got into humping the air, kicking jumping up and down, I even ended it laying on my back. I later did rebel yell by billy idol but felt like a fool shortly after.

It was good that I left the party when i did though. I was starting to act really werid. Talking about how much i love scaring people and making some off colored jokes. In those five minutes i really undid all the effort I made on Taylor. At-least i think so. Hopefully they understood i was just kidding. I can just be really convincing. I'm a fairly good actor. I just get to comfortable.

I wasn't planning on talking about the night like this. Originally i was just going to use it as a transition into my next rant. How i decided i work socially. But I'm really not in the mood anymore and I'm starting to get writers block. So ill save it for another tim

dreaming 1/28/12

Last night I had a very odd dream. Sleep did not come easy though. I fell in and out of sleep in a way that felt as if I never went to sleep at all. I had to get up multiple times throughout the night to go to the bathroom on account of all the tea I drank. I felt very comfortable in bed though. Borderline paralyzed. Time moved slowly throughout the night.
Once I finally went into my REM asleep I was completely out. I went into an extremely vivid dream that had a pacing that made it feel very real. It started out with me sitting on my bed bored. It was about 9:30 in my dream. I was trying to find someone to hangout with. I didn’t try matt (the person I hang out with most on weekends) because it was too late and his curfew was soon. I texted Connor and secret. Connor told me to meet him downtown and secret said she will walk from her house. In real life it would take her around 2 and half hours (rough estimate) to walk from her house to downtown eagle.
I’m immediately in downtown Eagle (I don’t question this at all). Connor and I are just walking around downtown eagle when we figure out we are being hunted by two different men. We are armed with katanas out of nowhere. We immediately take a good offense and track down one of the men. He is sitting in an alley way when Connor and I attack him. He is no match for us and we quickly kill him. We then walk to a movie theater (there is no movie theater in eagle, I must add).
As we are sitting there discussing what movie we should see we are rushed by the second man. He is giant with a massive sword. We are of no challenge to him. He grabs Connors katana and throws it. He is completely useless at this point. He turns to me and attacks me. I take a swing at him and hit him in the arm. It leaves him with nothing more than a small cut. He’s taking swings at me that I can barely block. Each time I block it, it knocks me back. At this point I’m on the ground just trying to defend myself. I’m coming to terms with the fact that he is about to kill me. He pulls his massive sword far above his head about to do a kill shot. He’s swinging down when I see a blade protrude out of his stomach. Blood runs out of his mouth and he falls over dead. At this point full of adrenaline I start crying and trembling. I’m in complete shock. It was secret who stabbed him and save my life. She helps me up and I hug her, still scared to death.
Me secret and Connor walk out of the movie theater completely silent. As we walk out we are joined by matt, Austin biagne(who I hate), Zach and this girl named Ashley. For some reason we are in downtown Boise. We all start walking back to my house. After a long while of walking we go through a really odd area. It’s going to be hard to describe correctly. It is extremely dark out. There is barely enough light to see anything. We are surrounded by a bunch of different parks. We are walking down a small trail and all the parks are on either side. They all looked completely evil though.
As we are walking Ashley says “my friend was raped and killed in this park” shivers run down my spine. About every third park had people in it. At first it would be like a mother playing with her child. When we would walk by they would look at us very scared. Some even warning us that we were going to die. In the next few parks would be insane looking women. Staring at us. Come to think of it they where defiently homeless. The one laughing saying over and over “you’re going to die, you’re going to die!” at this point me, secret and Austin are walking ahead of everyone else. I turn around to see the others are all gone. We start running knowing we would be next.
After running for a short while we are back in eagle. Near eagle hills elementary. There is a park right next to it that in my dream has been connected to the school yard. Austin stops to take off his shoes. This confuses me greatly. He gets the first shoe off instantly but struggles to get the second off. After trying to get the shoe off for a minute he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. I beg him to stop so they won’t find him.  He goes completely insane, Crying and swearing. I start fearing that he is going to attack Secret and I. I whisper to secret “if he doesn’t stop they are going to find us” I whisper she tells me that she will take care of it. She walks over to him and in one swift motion she cracks his neck killing him. I thank her and we proceed to start running to my house. Now there is a small alley way at the end of the field that I usually have to go through to get home. But for some reason there is a fence blocking us from getting through.  I look behind us realizing that we were being chase and they would be on us soon. We don’t have time to go a different way.  After a few tries we manage to climb over. There is another fence stopping us. But it is massive. On it there is a sign that says “unclimbable” Secret tells me she can handle this and calls someone on her phone. We wait for a tiny bit and some men come and unlock the gate for us.
We start sprinting back to my house. On the way secret told me that she will not be able to get home and ask if she can stay at my house. So I tell her I’m sure my parents won’t mind if she sleeps on the couch. Once we get to my house I walk into to the kitchen. I ask my dad if she can stay over with my back turned to her. My dad gives me a weird look and says “you want your English teacher to stay over?” I turn around and secret looks about fifty years older. “My house burnt down and I need a place to finish writing my novel”. My parents say it’s ok but I’m still completely confused.