GIVE ME A REASON TO CARE! SING ALONG FOREVER!

So I didn’t write for about two weeks. The first week was because I was in utah and did not have access to a computer. So it is excusable. The second week I was just lazy and wanted to play video games. I need to figure out exactly what I’m planning on doing so I can focus on it. I can’t focus on anything.

But I have ran into a few problems with my work. When I started writing that one short story I got frustrated with the quality and could not force myself to write it anymore. I think my ability as improved since then so I plan to rewrite it, this time in first person. But that almost happened to me with this story I got annoyed and started thinking it was shitty. But this time I started editing it. I changed passive to active and I removed whole sections. The first flashback sequence was removed because it was unneeded after the party scene because they did the same thing.

Then I removed the second party scene because I feel that it is kind of tasteless and ditches all of the characterization I was building for Anitta. Also with the possibility of her attending school what that scene was hopefully going to achieve was redundant and the foreshadowing I have been building counteracts with it.

I don’t want to have her go to school but I think it is a necessary adjustment because I can’t think of any other plot point that would naturally lead for the first climax I have planned. The second party scene could do it, but I really don't want to write it. It is not very fun. I mean I think I can get the bulk of what I need to do with school done in only 1000 words.

I fear that this is growing far too long and will be trapped in the limbo area between short story and novella. I could go through cutting everything that is unneeded to progress the plot, but it loses part of its soul that way. God I hated saying that, made me feel like a phony. Calling anything a phony would make me a phony because the only reason I would say that is because of catcher in the rye’s protagonist Holden Caulfield. But I was just referencing him. When you reference something and nobody knows it it becomes a rip off of sorts. I need to start referencing  on some things that are more relevant.

I’m going to read an article to relax my hand before I start working on the perfect woman. I also need to update my blog. It is up to 150 views,I wonder who is viewing it.

Fucking Fuck Fuckers

Fuck Fucking Fuckers depressed pissed pissed pissed Morrissey is the only person that understands me. Ron paul 2016. I hate everybody. I deem it necessary to always capitalize the F-word.

I’m feeling rather edgy. Today I had a throbbing headache when I got home. It was weird because it didn’t necessarily hurt. But it was throbbing. So I took a long nap and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. When I woke up I was angry and went downstairs and made macaroni and cheese. Macaroni and cheese is kind of gross to think about. So much dairy. I want to go vegan. I wish I didn’t love milk so much.
And then I took a bath while listening to cape crisis. I needed an excuse to do nothing I did not feel like thinking.

So I’m on accutane now. It has alot of side effects. Dry skin, I can handle it. Headaches, HA that worries me so much I’m shaking in my shoes. But worstly, my skin will break out really bad. But it is worth it. When all is said done I’ll be completely done with acne, putting me one step closer to being comfortable in my skin. When I look in the mirror, I can’t stand it. My chest is inarguably disgusting. I will never take my shirt off around people, and lord knows the anxiety that fills me when I think about having to take my shirt off if I ever lay someone. And my face is really bad. Both my cheeks are covered. It is intolerable. It sucks because I worry that if my parents think it is making me depressed that they will take me off it. It is only for six months. I can take six months of it.

Call me morbid, call me pale

I've spent six years on your trail

Six full years of my life on your trail

And if you have five seconds to spare

Then I'll tell you the story of my life

Sixteen, clumsy and shy

So last night I was writing my story when I felt it. I saw the line “all the other kids” and I knew it was time to write a poem. And I wrote that bitch. It needs some heavy editing. But I still think it is good. I don’t know what I’m going to try and do tonight with my writing.Maybe work on the story more. I have lab tomorrow to deal with it.

Pandora is being a dick.

So there is this girl Taylor in my forensics class. And I want to have sex with her. I’m trying to set up, because I don’t think I’m far off. I don’t want to go out with her. Normally I would. But I have two good reasons why I should not. First, she is a dirty cheater. She was totally going out with my friend layne and cheated on him. The problem there is not that I don’t want to hurt laynes feelings or I hold a grudge on her for it.
My head is throbbing to Joy division.
It really is not that.
I can’t go out with her because she would cheat. Yes, I understand people can change. But knowing that she would cheat would fill me so full of anxiety that she was cheating on me I would not be able to stand it. There is no way that relationship could last long.
ALSO SHE DOES NOT LIKE THE MUPPETS! YOU DO NOT HAVE A SOUL IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE MUPPETS.
And Brad would give me so much crap for dating her. He has some massive grudge against her. He has a grudge against most woman. He also has really high standards for someone who has never been kissed.
I’m lowering my standards.
A little bit.
I still have respect though.
But there is something about this girl that turns me on! It is in the most primal sense of the word. She seems kind of easy, and she is fond of me. But I’m thinking of straight up just telling her “Hey I think it would be mutually beneficial if we had sex.”
I think she might like that.
I know I would.
Today when me and my sister were driving home from school the song king of the carrot by neutral milk hotel came on. I told my sister that this song reminds of Perks of being a wallflower. She agreed immediately. I thought that was cool. I’m going to watch an episode of clannad and then start writing my story again.

A relaxing non-linear adventure

As I’m sitting in the doctor's office getting the side effects of the medication(Accutane) I’m about to start taking, I couldn’t help but laugh. For I feel most of them each day.
The first thing she warned me about was headaches. I might start getting really bad headaches, if only she knew. Now yes, I should've told her about the daily headaches that affect me. But I wouldn't want her to decide I shouldn't be taking it. She then explained the depression I may feel. Baby I’m depressed right now. When I’m sad I don’t tell people. I just don’t like to. All the girls on facebook talking about how depressed they are and how no one understands them, I see right through them. But I don’t need to tell people. Everyone who cares can see right through me. Well it is usually just Secret and my parents. But still. I can usually work through what is bothering by myself. But that can’t be healthy, I mean am I really getting over it? Or do I just get better at ignoring it? I don’t have a particular reason to be depressed right now, But I am. Maybe the problem is I have not overcome anything yet. They are just chewing away at me. I got back into jrpgs. I’m playing through steambot chronicles again. Since it has two different paths you can go through I’m playing good this time. I felt bad after beating the game last time around. I killed everyone in happy garland. And I completely betrayed the Garland Globetrotters. And the girl I kept on going on dates with Savory, turned out to be a bad guy. But I’m excited to play through it. Because “STEAMBOT CHRONICLES! A relaxing non-linear adventure!” I finally want to beat final fantasy 13. When I had it for the xbox 360 I could never get into it. Apparently it just sucks for the first twenty hours. Once you get past that it opens up and it is great. I’m also going to get Tales of Grace F. It should be fun

Talking about reading and stuff

have alot of stuff to write about and alot of time to do it. But I have alot I want to get done so I’m not going to waste time with a long introduction.

I finished reading catcher in the rye. I liked it. I don’t understand what the ending means
“Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you will start missing everybody”
Everyone I have talked to about it hasn’t put much thought in it sadly. Could it mean that by confiding in people you will just get an emotional attachment. And when they are not around anymore you will miss them. This thought would fit into the natural cynical nature of Holden. But I still just don’t know, it feels too obvious.
Or could it mean that if you spend too much time telling people things confiding in them and what not then you will miss them. You will never be able to get to know them because you are too involved with yourself? That sounds accurate. But I can’t think of how that fits into the entire theme of the book when the first one does? I don’t know. I could look it up, but then it would never mean anything to me.
Once I finished “Catcher in the rye” I immediately went into Hear my tears the policeman said by Philip K Dick. And I’m really liking it. He also wrote “A scanner darkly” And “Do androids dream of electric sheep?”. I’d consider him one of my biggest influences for writing. I love his really surreal and dark look on science fiction. Who knows if I would've been able to come with the concept of “The perfect woman” if it wasn’t for “Do androids dream of electric sheep?”. But regardless I’m studying his style of writing. He has a fluidity to his third person that I have not been able to achieve, so I’ll keep studying his work. I do like though  how much I’ve been able to add my voice, but it still feels like something is missing. But I can’t put my finger on it. It could have something to do with the fact I can never be satisfied with my writing.
I had something else I knew I was going to talk about but I got too distracted thinking of “Catcher in the rye” I hope I didn’t miss the point of the book.
Today when I was pulling out of the school parking lot sara was right across from me waiting to turn the other way. When we saw each other we both did a goofy thing with our hands. It was weird how naturally it happened. And we were both smiling.
Now the last time I wrote about her it appeared that I made some progress with how I felt and thought of her, at least I thought I did. But I did not. Even now I have an evil plan to get her. Well it is not evil and not a plan, but I’m fucking trying. I’m trying to think of a subtle way to get her thinking about me in a serious way. It can’t be in a way that she can easily blow off, something she is a master of. The sadie hawkins dance is coming up. I don’t have any delusions of her asking me. It would be completely irrational to think she would. I mean sure we have had a sudden increase in contact between the two of us. But if she wanted to asked me she would be talking to me alot more now that it is coming up. Its not that I want to go, I don’t want to go at all. I’d just hate for her to go with someone else. I don’t know who she would though? Maybe her homecoming date? Critical(and a little bit of wishful) thinking tells me that they would be done with each other. I mean they never went out. So that would tell me that they don't have anything for each other. That guy is a stupid looking tool. Shit bothers me.
For what I know she has had three guys in her life to some extent(unless you are counting random encounters. I would not know of any. But it is fair to assume it has happened). Me, Michael Newberry and her last homecoming date. None of which she has been in a relationship with. What does that tell me? She has commitment problems? I dunno.
I would love to keep writing but I need to start working on the perfect woman some. Also my hands are starting to hurt, I hope there is a way to fix this.

After adderal

I’m at Brad's house right now, he is passed out behind me. I woke up at 10 and couldn’t go back to sleep,that could be because I was sleeping on the ground.
Last night Brad and I took adderal and played borderlands for 10 hours. It was crazy,but alot of fun. Theres not alot to say about it. We made alot of distance in it and I found that it is alot funner with two people. Also if you don’t remember what adderall is like I’ll sum it up. You are very happy and focused. You can almost feel endorphins throughout your entire body. And your dick doesn’t work,which suited me just fine. And when I was smoking E-cig my headache went away, well crap. I still don’t really feel they have any correlation.
So last night while hopped up on adderall I got a text from Sara. She was just telling me that scott pilgrim was on MTV. The conversation itself wasn't very important. I’d think that it would be just to talk to me if I was being optimistic. But in the typical Sara fashion she only sent me like five texts. It’s not that I’m some lifeless loser who has nothing better to do then think about her(which may actually be the case) But this morning when I woke up I got to thinking about our entire relationship.
I don’t know why I bother with her. She is just straight up shitty to me, and I let her be. I’ve explained it before(she is the person I just can’t get over blah blah blah). My main problem with it is I may never receive any closure. In movies and TV everything(unless the series gets cancelled or the writers are an ass hole.Fucking freaks and geeks.). But I finally realized that entire sad chapter in my love life is going to end open. I lose all hope in her and I ever becoming a we. But then she starts talking to me, just a little bit. And that gives me just enough to hope that something may ever happen. But I guess she has gotten better about it, it’s not like how it use to be where she actually talked about liking me. Maybe the problem is with me? Maybe I’m preventing us from ever becoming friends. But I don’t think I even want to become friends though?
I’ll finish this when I get home.
I’m exhausted right now. I’d go to sleep this instant if I didn’t need to go pick my mom up soon. So in the meantime I’ll try to not waste my entire day and write some. I’m going to attempt to go back to the previous topic of Sara. But I don’t think it will be worth while. My brain is basically useless, I really shouldn’t be driving.
Ok II can’t write about her.My brain isn’t think that way.I’m going to try and close my eyes and listen to six-seven times by flunk and see if I get any inspiration.

Catcher and the wallflower

Locaton: Mr. rhodes study lab. Song: The smiths- William, it was really nothing
I know I should be working on the perfect woman. But I’m stuck. The next scene Is where he starts building an android. How am I suppose to go about writing that. I didn’t think everything through when I started. How does a sixteen year old build an highly realistic android? I don’t know the setting well enough either. How futuristic is it? I’m hoping this journal entry will get my brain going enough that I can finish that part.
Though I have really done nothing of note since I went to that part, I have a good amount to talk about.
I’ve had a really bad headache for the last three days. In this period I’ve taken at least ten aspirin. Maybe my body is going through a slight nicotine addiction? I don’t smoke alot. I haven’t had a cigarette since last friday. But it could be the E-cig? I just do it with brad at lunch, so I don’t know. I’ll think about it today at lunch. If my headache goes away when I do E-cig I’ll know. But I love that E-cig, it’s so choice(Read that in a ferris Bueller voice).
The headaches interfere with my writing. It kind of takes me out of it. I mean even now, I’m still writing manually. I’m no stranger to headaches, but it usually isn’t this bad for so long, aspirin usually does the trick. I wish it would help now. Maybe I need to find a different thing to rely on to get rid of them?
I finished “Perks of being a wallflower” yesterday, I adored it. I loved the main character, he was so relatable. The part when he was at the party and accidently had a brownie was really beautiful. I really like the way that book handles drug use. It nether demonizes nor glorifies it. An educated neutral stance. We are infinite.
Once I finished that I picked up “Catcher in the rye”. I’m also really liking it. Matt and zach didn’t really care for it, I think it bored them. But I don’t think they understood what the author was trying to do. I feel like the author put alot of care into making sure the main character is believable, but it is lost on me for the most part. Though I do find the character believable and likeable, the book was written in the 1940s. It’s not that I have a problem with old things, I really don’t. But he uses slang and terms that I do not know.
I also really like how the author makes it so the main character is always lying to you. At the beginning he is talking about how he is a fantastic liar. And for the rest of the book the main character is saying things of questionable truth. Like when he was talking about how he was almost featured in a “short” but decided at the last moment against. I wonder how many readers was able to pick up on that?
I love older books like this because it gives you a glimpse into the average life of the people of that time period. It works in a better and more natural way than any period piece can. Everyone smokes, even the sixteen year old main character. Where cigarettes not regulated then like they’re now.
My wrist is cramping up so I’m taking a short break. I went to the bathroom but I don’t know how much good it ultimately did.

Back to the book. I also like how the main character at first comes off as very unlikable and unrelatable. I felt it kind of made him out to be a bad ass. At first they make it sound like he is some hot shot with the ladies. When offered a prostitute he bought her without a second thought. Up until the moment she arrives you don’t know he is a virgin. I thought that was nicely done. Even the way he handles not having sex with her shows alot of indirect characterization. I’m only halfway through, so I’ll come back with my final thoughts once I finish. I figure if I analize books more it will make be a better writer, I really want to be a better writer.

I’m going to try to troop my way through the trouble area of “the perfect woman”. Wish me luck.

Love always,

charlie