journal entry September 18, 2011

I sometimes wonder if anything is wrong with me. For a while i thought i had ADD or maybe ADHD. But after many all day World of Warcraft sessions i quickly ruled that out. I often ponder the idea of bi-polar. It makes enough sense  to me. My mood changes drastically through out the day. It seems im ether ridiculously happy or crying depressed. But i think the fact of the mater that there is nothing wrong with me, i just tell my self that so i don't have to face the fact that im just an odd fuck.
       I have been a drastic introvert my whole life. At a young age i would often sit alone, in my own little world just thinking. The main reason why is because most of the time people are to predictable for me. They make the same generic jokes. OK saying the reason why i spend allot of my time alone is because of that is a lie. The real reason why is because im terribly insecure. Im even wondering if i should write this(even though most likely i will be the only one to ever read this.) Sometimes people mistake me for being dumb. Its been that way since i first started interacting with kids. If your different or don't fit into an obvious mold then you are ether dumb or weird.
               So i have always had really bad social anxiety. After the end of nearly all the conversations i have i regret saying something. A lot of the times ill make a really awkward joke. Or not know what to say and start rambling.actually i always ramble.
           And its hard to put myself out there, that's why it is way more comfortable to simply just isolate myself.
I absolutely hate and refuse to ask someone any sort of favor. I automatically expect them not to help me and judge me. Or anything dating related is horrible. Telling a girl my feelings or asking them out sends me into a panic. But that isn't just because i have bad anxiety. Most of the time it just honestly doesn't end well at all. Because with woman I take the nice guy approach. The usual talking to them, giving advice,and being a shoulder to cry on. Im very good at establishing relationships with them. But when i make an attempt to take things farther i get "i don't want to loose you as a friend" or the embarrassing "I just don't like you that way". 90% of my relationships end with me getting heart broken. Ill get hung up on a girl for ages. And now when ever i see an attractive girl i instantly think "im not good enough.
         But hey this is what happens with all other average men. In this society you have to be a complete tool to get layed.
/end rant