dreaming 1/28/12

Last night I had a very odd dream. Sleep did not come easy though. I fell in and out of sleep in a way that felt as if I never went to sleep at all. I had to get up multiple times throughout the night to go to the bathroom on account of all the tea I drank. I felt very comfortable in bed though. Borderline paralyzed. Time moved slowly throughout the night.
Once I finally went into my REM asleep I was completely out. I went into an extremely vivid dream that had a pacing that made it feel very real. It started out with me sitting on my bed bored. It was about 9:30 in my dream. I was trying to find someone to hangout with. I didn’t try matt (the person I hang out with most on weekends) because it was too late and his curfew was soon. I texted Connor and secret. Connor told me to meet him downtown and secret said she will walk from her house. In real life it would take her around 2 and half hours (rough estimate) to walk from her house to downtown eagle.
I’m immediately in downtown Eagle (I don’t question this at all). Connor and I are just walking around downtown eagle when we figure out we are being hunted by two different men. We are armed with katanas out of nowhere. We immediately take a good offense and track down one of the men. He is sitting in an alley way when Connor and I attack him. He is no match for us and we quickly kill him. We then walk to a movie theater (there is no movie theater in eagle, I must add).
As we are sitting there discussing what movie we should see we are rushed by the second man. He is giant with a massive sword. We are of no challenge to him. He grabs Connors katana and throws it. He is completely useless at this point. He turns to me and attacks me. I take a swing at him and hit him in the arm. It leaves him with nothing more than a small cut. He’s taking swings at me that I can barely block. Each time I block it, it knocks me back. At this point I’m on the ground just trying to defend myself. I’m coming to terms with the fact that he is about to kill me. He pulls his massive sword far above his head about to do a kill shot. He’s swinging down when I see a blade protrude out of his stomach. Blood runs out of his mouth and he falls over dead. At this point full of adrenaline I start crying and trembling. I’m in complete shock. It was secret who stabbed him and save my life. She helps me up and I hug her, still scared to death.
Me secret and Connor walk out of the movie theater completely silent. As we walk out we are joined by matt, Austin biagne(who I hate), Zach and this girl named Ashley. For some reason we are in downtown Boise. We all start walking back to my house. After a long while of walking we go through a really odd area. It’s going to be hard to describe correctly. It is extremely dark out. There is barely enough light to see anything. We are surrounded by a bunch of different parks. We are walking down a small trail and all the parks are on either side. They all looked completely evil though.
As we are walking Ashley says “my friend was raped and killed in this park” shivers run down my spine. About every third park had people in it. At first it would be like a mother playing with her child. When we would walk by they would look at us very scared. Some even warning us that we were going to die. In the next few parks would be insane looking women. Staring at us. Come to think of it they where defiently homeless. The one laughing saying over and over “you’re going to die, you’re going to die!” at this point me, secret and Austin are walking ahead of everyone else. I turn around to see the others are all gone. We start running knowing we would be next.
After running for a short while we are back in eagle. Near eagle hills elementary. There is a park right next to it that in my dream has been connected to the school yard. Austin stops to take off his shoes. This confuses me greatly. He gets the first shoe off instantly but struggles to get the second off. After trying to get the shoe off for a minute he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. I beg him to stop so they won’t find him.  He goes completely insane, Crying and swearing. I start fearing that he is going to attack Secret and I. I whisper to secret “if he doesn’t stop they are going to find us” I whisper she tells me that she will take care of it. She walks over to him and in one swift motion she cracks his neck killing him. I thank her and we proceed to start running to my house. Now there is a small alley way at the end of the field that I usually have to go through to get home. But for some reason there is a fence blocking us from getting through.  I look behind us realizing that we were being chase and they would be on us soon. We don’t have time to go a different way.  After a few tries we manage to climb over. There is another fence stopping us. But it is massive. On it there is a sign that says “unclimbable” Secret tells me she can handle this and calls someone on her phone. We wait for a tiny bit and some men come and unlock the gate for us.
We start sprinting back to my house. On the way secret told me that she will not be able to get home and ask if she can stay at my house. So I tell her I’m sure my parents won’t mind if she sleeps on the couch. Once we get to my house I walk into to the kitchen. I ask my dad if she can stay over with my back turned to her. My dad gives me a weird look and says “you want your English teacher to stay over?” I turn around and secret looks about fifty years older. “My house burnt down and I need a place to finish writing my novel”. My parents say it’s ok but I’m still completely confused.

beginning of semester journal 1/26/12

listening to: Head over heels by by tears for fears.(one of the greatest songs of all time)
I tend to avoid writing unless i have something to say. Because when i have nothing to say my lips are sealed.sorry... But if i am ever going to approve my writing skills i need to practice. I have been getting rides to school allowing me to sleep in later and have more time to get ready in the morning. I make some loose tea. And watch my morning cartoons(cartoons are good for the soul.fuck anyone who says otherwise) And it really has a positive impact on my day.
         I get rides with a kid named austin. Our parents are really good friends even though we have never got on overly well. We are completely different people. I am an abstract individual and he is concrete. I wouldn't consider him a smart person. He gets good grades but hes not a thoughtful person. He never questions anything or evaluates anything. He has piss poor social skills. He does not know how to act around woman. He knows how to talk to them but he doesn't understand bounderys. He is very touchy with girls he hardly knows. And alot of people take it the wrong way. I have a respect for him that no one can understand.
           Today was a depressing day. Nothing happened i was just sad. One of my main problems is that i'll talk myself into depression. I thought about how lonely i am and how im getting desperate for a girlfriend. For the most part i have quit going on facebook because it makes me feel depressed.
    Something interesting did happen though. Sara(the one i had the whole homecoming shit happened with) was being odd today in third period. She came up to me and my friend brad telling us how interesting we are. Then out of nowhere turned on us and was very rude. I wish i could convince myself thats because she likes me and is hiding it from herself. But i am no longer a fool like that. And actually i would prefer that she is mean to me instead of nice. Then i cant get it in my head that their will ever be nothing more between us then awkwardness. I mean sure i still like her. And i dont know if i will ever get over her. She is a horrible woman who has hurt me many times. But damn she is sexy. Her body is top notch. Very skinny but still retains some curves. She has long legs that are perfectly shaped. Her face is stunning. She has these nice plump lips and a face thats perfectly shaped. She has a natural paleness to her body that i am very attracted to. But its not her body that attracts me to her. Its her personality. She is funny with out it being forced or annoying. She has an attitude to her that is very simmilar to mine. She interests me. Fuck her!
    im currently listening to everyday is like sunday by morrissey. I  feel very comforted listening to morrissey/smiths. The lyrics are dark but not in a way that its obvious that hes trying to be edgy. His voice is very drawn back but perfected. The way he holds his notes is just incredible.  The song meat is murder confirms my thoughts that ill never eat meat again.
I sit next to a very attractive girl in my science class. She is asian and has gauges. She is small but well formed. She is funny and is different. The main reason i feel any sort of attraction towards her is because she picked up on  a la dispute quote.
I really wanna fuck my math teacher.
a boy can dream.
I have started reading girl with the dragon tattoo. its pretty good so far.
thats all i have to talk about now. And my hands are starting to hurt from typing.

Another dream journal 10/7/11

last night i had a crazy series of dreams.The preparation was i smoked a few  bowls of bud. For some reason bud usually puts me into a deep dreamless sleep. But lately it has been giving me really odd dreams At first i couldn't sleep. I layed in bed most of the night thinking. The dreams where based around the fact that my friend would not be able to give me a ride to school today.
It started out with me awaking in bed. I took a shower and did  my usual morning routine. When i went downstairs my dad told me he would give me a ride to school. we then drove to some odd parking garage. For some reason we where driving golf balls off the top, and that's odd because nether me or my dad golf. Then one of my dads old friends came (at least i assume they where old friend). He gave my dad a sock that was signed by some famous guy. The guy hit a few balls then left. Then my friends brad and Andy showed up asking for a ride.
We grew tired of waiting for my dad so we got in the car and drove off. I was in the backseat, Andy was in the passengers seat and brad was driving. Brad is the least qualified to drive out of all of us. After driving for a while we realized that brad had not only got us extremely lost, but he had also lost control of the truck. Wanting to protect my dads truck i started psychically pushing it away from a brick wall.
now at this point my memory grow week. I don't remember what happened next. I vaguely remember something but i think i may of woke up.
i quickly feel back to sleep and went straight into the dream. Except now we where just chilling in a park. There was a small area surrounded by grass. And the area around was concrete. There was odd concrete structures surrounding us. We where in a metro area(in the dream i knew it was Boise, but this looked nothing like Boise.) But this place was very familiar. I think i was at this place in the dream i don't remember.My entire lunch group was here talking. After about fifteen minutes of talking they all got up and started biking away. I went into a state of panic because i needed to get to school, but i had nothing to ride. So i started walking to school. At this point i was walking through Boise high school. I know a girl Edie that goes there so i was looking for here. Ive always had somewhat of a crush on her, and she’s a nice person to talk to. After walking for a little bit i finally saw her from behind. I excitedly ran up to her and screamed her name. She turned around and looked at me. She did not look very happy to see me(this does not surprise me, more often than not the girls in my dreams don't tend to like me. My insecurity's even stay with me in my dreams.) After talking to her for a while she told me i really need to leave. And i don't belong here. I then woke up in my bed. I layed there for a few seconds trying to recall as much of the dream as possible.

My alarm clock woke me up again. I realized i was dreaming in a dream. I'm starting to wonder if the reason why people where so rude to me is because i was in someone Else's  dream.

conclusion to homecoming 10/7/11

Well i have the tragic conclusion to my homecoming attempt. It went so bad you would think i made it up for sympathy, Well i wish that was the case.
So a little more than a week after i asked her i got sick of waiting so i texted her and said “ i take it as you couldn't find a dress.” What happened was , I got screwed over. She said a boy who was moving to Costa Rica( i know right?!?!) asked her a few weeks ago. And she did not think he was serious at the time. So she said yes. He then said to her “hey where do you want to go to dinner yet” and since this is apparently the last time he can do a school event she is going with him. Now it hurt that she wasn't going with me. But when she said she was going with someone else i could barely stand it. As cliche as it may sound i felt my heart break. Its terrible because she is really the only person i could ask. But this kid is a tool. He is ripped and could basically get any girl he wants. But he has to take mine. Since this has happened i haven't talked to her since. for some reason i still hope are relationship isn't over.

dream journal September 22 2011

Last night i wrote a blog while drinking my good night tea. Before that i took five Valerian tabs. Five is the most they recommend a full grown adult take. The good night tea also has Valerian in it. It also has a large amount of Camille in it. I went to bed and turned on netflix. I finally decided that i would watch fear and loathing in las Vegas. I have heard a ton about this movie but i did not know what to expect. Basically its about two hippies who travel to Las Vegas and do allot of psychedelics. There are multiple scenes in the movie that show the two doing LSD, mescaline and cocaine. After watching half of it i got tired and went to sleep. Needless to say it put a unsettling effect on my dreams.

It started out with me and my family taking a trip to Denver Colorado.  We walked around the downtown area for a while before ending up in an apartment. This apartment was very odd, It was extremely long and narrow. It looked like an abstract painting. Shortly after leaving my parents told me that we where moving. I instantly started crying and was back in my room.for a long while i was in my room crying because we where moving. Its odd that i was so upset about moving because i have always wished we lived there. I plan on moving to boulder when i get older. But after a while of crying i went to school to tell my friends. For some reason they already knew and they told me i needed to leave now.

I had with me a brief case and a type writer very similar to the one in the movie. So i started to walk to Colorado. For awhile i just walked down a desolate desert road. Just like the one at the beginning of fear and loathing. I finally started seeing a few houses every now and then. I walked by a car that had lucky strike branded on the side. Lucky strike is a cigarette company. The only reason i know that was because that is the company that the show mad men is about. I started searching the car desperate to get a cigarette.I was craving hard. I could not find any. Annoyed and heart broken i went on my way down the road.

I was somewhere in Wyoming at this point. Or maybe Nevada? there both warm dry shit holes. Anyways i saw my friends house. I went up to the door and he answered with some emo looking girl. Now this is where things start getting really weird.

I go up to his room and he pulls out a bag of cocaine. we all do some massive lines. He then says “here you will need this” as he passes me a pack of cigarettes. We then smoke a large amount of weed. He gives me some for the road. And i go on my way

You see at this point in my dream i completely stoned. I can barely wobble down the road. I then meet a gypsy. Whom i trade some of bud with for some LSD. She gives me an entire strip. I pop them all under my tong at once. A little while later (felt like an hour in my dream  but was probably only a few seconds) i started hallucinating hard. I could not distinguish up from down. Colors where coming to me in waves. It was incredible.

I think i may of got to excited because then i woke up. It took me a while to remember this much of the dream. I'm sure i missed large chunks of it. But i do know one thing this got me interested in trying LSD.

journal entry September 18, 2011

I sometimes wonder if anything is wrong with me. For a while i thought i had ADD or maybe ADHD. But after many all day World of Warcraft sessions i quickly ruled that out. I often ponder the idea of bi-polar. It makes enough sense  to me. My mood changes drastically through out the day. It seems im ether ridiculously happy or crying depressed. But i think the fact of the mater that there is nothing wrong with me, i just tell my self that so i don't have to face the fact that im just an odd fuck.
       I have been a drastic introvert my whole life. At a young age i would often sit alone, in my own little world just thinking. The main reason why is because most of the time people are to predictable for me. They make the same generic jokes. OK saying the reason why i spend allot of my time alone is because of that is a lie. The real reason why is because im terribly insecure. Im even wondering if i should write this(even though most likely i will be the only one to ever read this.) Sometimes people mistake me for being dumb. Its been that way since i first started interacting with kids. If your different or don't fit into an obvious mold then you are ether dumb or weird.
               So i have always had really bad social anxiety. After the end of nearly all the conversations i have i regret saying something. A lot of the times ill make a really awkward joke. Or not know what to say and start rambling.actually i always ramble.
           And its hard to put myself out there, that's why it is way more comfortable to simply just isolate myself.
I absolutely hate and refuse to ask someone any sort of favor. I automatically expect them not to help me and judge me. Or anything dating related is horrible. Telling a girl my feelings or asking them out sends me into a panic. But that isn't just because i have bad anxiety. Most of the time it just honestly doesn't end well at all. Because with woman I take the nice guy approach. The usual talking to them, giving advice,and being a shoulder to cry on. Im very good at establishing relationships with them. But when i make an attempt to take things farther i get "i don't want to loose you as a friend" or the embarrassing "I just don't like you that way". 90% of my relationships end with me getting heart broken. Ill get hung up on a girl for ages. And now when ever i see an attractive girl i instantly think "im not good enough.
         But hey this is what happens with all other average men. In this society you have to be a complete tool to get layed.
/end rant

Journal entry crying about sara SEPTEMBER 20, 2011

Well here i am, Drinking my good night tea waiting for the Valerian to kick in so i can sleep. High and dry by radiohead sets the mood. How else am i suppose to deal with depression? As the title would suggest i feel emotionally defeated.
          There is this girl and she is in my opinion the most incredible woman i have ever met. She is funny, beautiful and unique.  And sometimes she implies she might like me. To say the least she is a flake. For a while she will constantly text me and sometimes want to hangout. But then out of nowhere its like she has had enough of me. She will stop talking to me and give me the cold shoulder as if i did something wrong. Now im use to getting lead on but this is different. I fucking love her.ill admit it. Even when she pisses me off i still have a hard time saying anything negative about her.
            Homecoming is coming up. And that is a time that makes me feel like a lonely loser. All the tools have lovely date set for the night but all i have is some weed. Sure school dances are terrible, Over crowded hot gyms full of people i dont like, blasting music i dont like. But its the perfect time to get a girlfriend. Girls start lowering there standards.
              So after talking to this girl for a while about it she made it sound like she wanted to go with me. And very anxiously the next day at school i asked her if she would like to go. She said she would go if she could find a dress. Instantly my spirit was crushed. I had to force myself to ask her and she gives that as a answer? if she can find a dress is fucking bullshit.  She may as well say "no i dont want to go,but i dont want to hurt you ether". That happened last Tuesday over a week later she hasn't said anything to me.  Its one thing to deny me after leading me to believe i had a chance. But this is just fucking rude. I can take it as an obvious no. But she should at least have the heart to give me a definite answer. She is a cruel woman. And the sad part is next time she talks to me i will act like this didn't even happen. I do it to myself.